What counselling is really like: What to expect from your first session

Counselling isn’t lying on a couch while someone silently judges your childhood, like we’ve all seen in films or TV series. It’s usually two people in a room — one trying to figure out how to say what they’ve never said out loud before, and the other offering support and a space for those thoughts to finally be acknowledged, recognised and expressed.

From my work with clients, people can come into sessions with a range of thoughts and expectations.

In the first session, it is usually about getting to know each other. I may ask some gentle questions about what has brought you in, what life looks like for you right now, and what you’re hoping counselling might help with. There’s no pressure to cover everything, and you’re welcome to share as much or as little as feels comfortable. We also spend time talking about what you need from the space, so it feels as safe and supportive as possible.

Some see counselling as a waste of time and are only attending because someone else has suggested it, or they believe that everything will be fixed in one or two sessions. Others feel and express that no one understands their problems, that their problems are too big for someone to help with, and that counselling will just go around in circles. These individuals may also feel like a burden — annoying or taking time away from people who need help more than they do — minimising the fact that your life is your life. Comparing yourself to others only increases the pressure, shame, guilt and frustration you are already dealing with.

Some people come into the room imagining huge progress and success will happen with very little work. In my experience, we tend to get out of therapy what we are willing to put into it.

For those coming into the therapy space for the first time — especially if they are nervous — I always try to let them know that counselling is a new skill they are learning or trying out. Whenever someone is learning or growing, there will be times where we (myself included) engage in nervous rambling, crying (or not crying at all), and leaving sessions feeling lighter, heavier, or confused. All of these are normal experiences of therapy.

What a client feels in the room ultimately shapes the relationship, rapport and goals that are tailored to them. The space we create depends on the client — cliché, I know. But everyone I work with needs different things. Some need more light, some need less. Others might want comfort (pillows, blankets, toys, drawing), while some need to move around the room or take breaks. In those first sessions, we begin to establish what the client needs. This is also where nerves, self-doubt and self-criticism often show up — worries that I will judge their need for pillows, a particular smell, or even the removal of the clock because of the ticking.

During this time, clients often apologise for their needs. Some feel it is the “right” thing to say, as though they are taking something away from me or from someone else. This is completely natural. Many people who come to counselling are used to their experiences not being validated by those around them. When the spotlight is on them, they don’t know what to do with it — feeling guilty, uncomfortable, or even mute.

Having the need to express something and not knowing where to start, or what to say first, is also a very normal experience. Clients don’t need to know what to say. They don’t need to know what to do. The fact that they are in the room is enough for the first session.

At the end of the first session, there is no “right” feeling to have — no right reaction. How someone goes about the rest of their day may be different, and that’s the point. They are on their own journey — not mine, not their families, but theirs. One of the things I often say to clients is that there is no way to do counselling “right”. Their journey is their journey.